2ND QOTD: "I don't know if I'm alive or dead. If I'm alive, why do I feel this way? If I'm dead, why do I have to go to the bathroom?" --Thomas Dewey (1948).

EARLY ELECTION RETURNS ARE IN! In Guam.It's like kissing your sister, isn't it?

LLOYD BRAUN, former head of ABC Entertainment, will run the media and entertainment division of Yahoo! If the name sounds vaguely familiar, you may remember him as losing the NYC Mayoral election for David Dinkins by having Dinkins advocate that NYC residents wear name tags. Yes, that's a joke, but it's not a coincidence. However, it is a coincidence that the homonymically named Lloyd Brown resigns from the editorial board of the Florida Times-Union in a plagiarism scandal.

ELECTION DAY is disrupting our economy. So after you get out of those long lines to vote, get into a short one at Starbucks.

How does CNN's Crossfire top that famous Jon Stewart episode? Book Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog. (Washington Post free registration req'd, or use Bug Me Not to get a login).UPDATE: The Jon Stewart backlash watch continues.

THE EDITOR OF THE DAILY IOWAN issues an apology. This sort of thing never happened at the Iowa State Daily.

QOTD: "There is no point in asking why Americans get caught up in the presidential election ritual even when the campaigns are obviously manipulative and the candidates are far from the best the country has to offer--just as it is pointless to inquire why ancient Romans accepted unquestioningly the divinations of soothsayers, or why tribal peoples believe in their totems, or why pentecostals have confidence in their healers. All rituals rest upon faith, not logic; all involve suspension of disbelief; and all seem as reasonable to the faithful as they seem absurd to unbelievers." -- Forrest McDonald, The American Presidency (1994).

ELECTION 2004: No doubt that some of you would not be caught dead reading the Drudge Report, but I would note that he usually gets the early exit poll data during the afternoon. Whether the exit poll data will be accurate is a a whole 'nuther question, of course.

UW MADISON LAW PROFESSOR ANN ALTHOUSE checks out the five things she got in the mail today. Nice payoff.

CAT SURVIVES WASHING MACHINE: This story seems more credible than the one about the microwave oven.

WHAT'D I SAY? My review of Ray is in the extended text for this story. Just scroll down to the bottom of this mini-blog and click "Read More" for the whole thang. UPDATE: The review is now properly formatted into paragraphs; sorry 'bout that! 2nd UPDATE: Ray placed second at the box office this weekend, but seems to be on track to break even or make money, perhaps better if it does well at Oscar-time. UPDATE: The review is now in the Reviews section.

SOMEWHERE IN OCTOBER-TIME, WE GET ANOTHER HOUR: Returning to standard time reminds me that, as cool as the analog clock here is, y'all should really see this one.

BONUS HALLOWEEN LINKS: How to Make a Zombie. Of course, you might prefer one of these recipes, but I have a bad Pavlovian reaction to the main ingredient.

SEN. TOM HARKIN: the new Pat Robertson.

SLATE has a nice obituary of John Peel, with audio links-a-plenty.

CELEBRITY DUI CASES: Rip Torn is acquitted; David Hasselhoff pleads "no contest."

SIR ELTON (sort of) apologizes to Madge.

ELECTION 2004: Kerry wins, according to top Indian astrologers. Undoubtedly, this will upset Nancy Reagan.

SYLVIA sent me this story about a bad return home from vacation last week, but it's still good today. Even if you read it already, you may not have seen the picture.

"WHAT'S THAT, LASSIE? Your owner has fallen from her wheelchair and seems to have a medical problem?" Woof!

THIS GUIDE is for physicists, not hitch-hikers.

P. DIDDY is upset that neither Bush nor Kerry is campaigning much in urban areas. That would be because urban areas are going to vote overwhelmingly for Kerry, oh Puffy one. An example of the old saying about it being better to keep one's mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

THE "C" WORD: The Chicago Tribune spent five hours removing a "Women's News" section that featured a story entitled "You c-nt say that (or can you?)." Apparently, you can't.

MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE: The Morning News begins its wedding guide with Fifteen Fights to Have Before You Get Engaged. Fun reading, even for married folks. On the other hand, CBS is developing a sitcom based around divorce. I think Bonnie Franklin is available...

PETER O'TOOLE: At the Savannah Film Festival, the acting great reviews Troy (in which he appeared). Saying he didn't like it would be... an understatement.

FORBES follows its list of top-earning fictional characters (noted below) with its list of top-earning dead celebrities. Mostly musicians and authors.

COSMO GIRLS prefer blondes.

LEGENDARY UK DJ JOHN PEEL is dead at 65. The BBC immediately plays a fitting tribute. Kind words come from Prime Minister Tony Blair and New Order's Bernard Sumner.

CATS AND DOGS: Pejman Yousefzadeh recalls the words of Alfred North Whitehead.

JAMES LILEKS just won an award for Best Original Blog from the Washington Post. If you have never checked out The Bleat, This one is pretty representative. He occasionally does politics also, but generally he warns you when he does.

THE DOLMETTE: What could be cooler than a motorcycle that runs on a dozen chainsaw motors?

GUESS THE DICTATOR OR SITCOM CHARACTER: In this internet quiz, the computer quizzes you. And it beat me.

DEMENTED GERMANS have created a mechanical version of Pong. If only Frank Black knew.

ON THE PITCHFORK: A review of Spooked, Robyn Hitchcock's collaboration with Gillian Welch and David Rawlings.

GAWKER spots a geat headline for the Dave Matthews waste dumping story.

ARTHUR LEE is paroled and is performing Forever Changes. He should be publicizing that last part.

JON STEWART has the hottest clip on the 'net. Now comes the inevitable backlash.

JACK NICHOLSON: Could he have been the inspiration for American Pie? Can you handle the truth?

JOHNNY ROTTEN scares a shark away. Well, yeah... just look at him.

LINDSAY LOHAN got milk. But is it real milk?

BEST BUY has clever advertising aimed at the lazy.

FORBES now has a list of the top-earning fictional characters. Homer Simpson just misses the cut -- D'OH!

NEW YORK'S ATTORNEY GENERAL, Eliot Spitzer, is a chronic publicity-seeker, but if he's investigating the music industry's practices for influencing what songs are heard on the radio, more power to him.

BBC: Two scientists appear to have beaten a 0 million NASA mission to be first to measure a phenomenon predicted by Einstein's theory of relativity. The story doesn't say, but I'll wager it cost them less than $600 million.

NANOTECH LINKS FOR J. PRATT (and anyone else interested): The Foresight Nanotech Conference is being blogged by Howard Lovy (natch) and Adam Keiper. If you're just looking to dip your toe into the nano-pond, Lovy has introductory links posted here.

JEFF JARVIS speculates that DIY programming and video Google will be parts of the future of television.

ELECTION 2004: Kids "vote" for Kerry... and Bush.

FORGET OUTSOURCING: Think robots.

TERROR HOSTAGE SAVED BY GOOGLE.

THE PERIODIC TABLE OF FUNK: Check it out; there are a few surprises there (e.g., "W").

CATS AND DOGS: In case you haven't seen them, I give you The Infinite Cat Project (which has nothing to do with neutering) and Lab-tested (your dog's shopping guide).

ON THE PITCHFORK: A review of Left Of The Dial, the forthcoming 4 CD set from Rhino, collecting stuff from the 80's underground/indie scene. ALSO: Doug Gillard, of the soon-to-expire GbV, releases his first solo disc October 19th.

NYDN DAILY DISH: Politics from Moby and KRS-One, plus another reason (if one were needed) to be sickened by Paris Hilton.

SPONGE DUCK, not Spongebob.

JIM CARREY becomes a U.S. citizen, but has no intention of giving up his status as a Canadian. Federal law requires that people applying for citizenship "renounce and abjure absolutely and entirely all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty..." But I'm guessing he won't be charged with anything.

MUSIC CRITIC JIM DeROGATIS is accused of bias by attorneys for R. Kelly.

IT'S GOOD TO BE DAVE MATTHEWS: Just ask Andres Pinter, who looks like Matthews.

ON THE PITCHFORK: A review of Camper Van Beethoven's New Roman Times, which is not to be confused with the font called New Times Roman.

THE FRENCH ARE ARROGANT, RUDE AND SURLY TO FOREIGN VISTORS: The only news here is that it's a French legislator admitting it.

TEAM AMERICA: I saw the sneak preview Saturday night. I'd review it, but the review inSlant Magazine captures my view, more or less.

THE SMOKING GUN has the lurid details of a sexual harassment claim against Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly and Bill O'Reilly's complaint that the harassment charge was part of an extortion plot.

JIBJAB will premiere the follow-up to the famous "This Land" cartoon Thursday night on The Tonight Show.

MTV NEWS HEADLINE: "Jessica Simpson's Lickable Fragrances Won't Get In The Way Of A Perky Butt." Too... many... punchlines...

TREY PARKER & MATT STONE a> to get an "R" rating for Team America, dis Puffy's voter registration drive, and say that if you're persuaded to change your vote because of a puppet movie, there may be something wrong with you.

GUITAR GREAT JAMES BURTON: He co-wrote "Susie Q" and has played with scores of artists -- including both Elvises. For reasons unknown, he's interviewed by Investor's Business Daily.

TIM KNIGHT, a former law school classmate of mine, is cleaning up the circulation scandal at Newsday.

DRUNKEN GERMAN FALLS ASLEEP IN SEX SHOP VIDEO BOOTH, is mistaken for burglar when he awakens. Not a recommendation for German porn.

SIEGFRIED & ROY: Their home is fired upon by an unknown gunman. The incident was originally classified as a hate crime because it was believed to be motivated by origin of nationality, but upon further review, police decided the attack didn't deserve the hate crime label, though they did not elaborate as to why not. Maybe because it did not have to do with their nationality?

RODNEY DANGERFIELD DEAD: I'm sad, but can't help wondering whether he will have a memorial where people can pay their no respects...

VARIETY: Bono compares Gordon Brown and Tony Blair to Lennon & McCartney, asks whether the U.S. election is Beatles vs. Stones.

POLICE RECOVER STOLEN GEORGE HARRISON MEMENTOS that the late Beatle's sister is donating to the Clinton Presidential Library. The question that sentence should raise in your mind is actually answered in the news story.

SEX MAG STARTUP AT BOSTON UNIVERSITY: Its creator, Alecia Oleyourryk, thinks that "It's shocking that no one talks or writes about sex." B.U. must be way more boring than I thought, or Ms. Oleyourryk is social poison.

CUE CLAUDE RAINS! The crowd at Northwestern University is shocked, shocked when sports columnist and radio host Mike Wilbon admits he watches beach volleyball for the bikinis as much as the game.

YOUNG PEOPLE ARE READING NEWSPAPERS, but they're doing so online, not on dead trees. So newsies are fretting about where the money will come from. That's probably not as big a problem as they think. Just ask Mitsubishi.

BRIAN WILSON SMiLE review is up in the Reviews section.

THE B*TCH IS BACK: Fresh of an attack on Thai media, Elton John takes a stab at Madonna while accepting an award from Q Magazine. Though Madge took it in stride, Elton's remarks must have stung, given that the gay community is one of her demographics. Of course, his profane tirade about Madge's alleged lip-syncing was also a slap at the folks who nominated her for Best Live Act and were giving Elton his own award. Maybe that's why Elton leaves the lyrics to Bernie Taupin.

MEL GIBSON gets a restraining order against a stalker who demanded to pray with Gibson. The non-Catholic word for this would be karma.

ON THE PITCHFORK: Son Volt reunites, BMRC drummer dropped, plus more...